What I am about to tell you people cannot be repeated. It has been deemed Top Secret by the Society of Wise Elders Emanating Terrificness (SWEET). The only reason I am putting it here is that I think a grand total of three people (all Humistons) even know that this blog exists. And I happen to know for a fact that all three Humistons will get a great big kick out of this story. And, like most stories in this mission, it started with an old lady.
Another elder and I were walking to choir one morning (it's starts at 6:15...groan) when this elderly sister yells for us to wait. Apparently her husband doesn't want her walking over to choir by herself because Salt Lake isn't the safe place that it used to be. This especially applies to the neighborhood right near Temple Square, evidently. I gave a mildly interested "oh really?". She told me that it was true, and went on to explain how it was the fault of the gays. That's right, she blamed it on the gays. She explained this to me the entire ten minute walk how those blasted gays were ruining the town. In fact, she made it sound like the gays were forming together in some sort of conspiracy to overthrow everything good in this world. I found this on one level shallow and uncaring, but on another level I found it absolutely hilarious how the gays could manage to get blamed for everything. Naturally, I had to bring this up at lunch. After explaining what had happened to the other elders, Elder Hone pointed out that the lady seemed to know too much about this Gay Conspiracy. It was quickly decided that the lady was not in fact an old lady at all, but a member of the Gay Conspiracy (GC) dressed up as an elderly sister missionary in an attempt to infiltrate Temple Square. A devious plot indeed.
The plot seemed to thicken when on a tour of the library it was discovered that one part of the B1 floor was the only part of the library that was separate from the rest of the library, meaning it had no floors above or below it. Common sense dictated that this was a former hideout of the GC. We also found evidence in this formerly-sinister place. In one corner was a black mannequin. Well, it was sort of a mannequin. It's in a humanoid shape, but it's not the kind of thing that you see in store windows. It is shaped like a women, and was probably used by the GC to hang up their women costumes from when they were trying to infiltrate Church HQ. We were almost certain that it had to be abandoned during their rapid pull-out when the Church took over the hideout. After a few weeks, we decided to start Operation Waltzing Matilda. In Waltzing Matilda, the mannequin-thing, codenamed "Matilda", would be moved randomly from floor to floor a few times a week and put in the supply rooms. We will continue to move Matilda until our last day at work (June 2, 2010) when, if Waltzing Matilda has not been undone, we will be taking Matilda out to lunch. We will probably go to the ZCMI food court, or the closest thing to that after they finish the new mall down here. Truly it will be an amazing experience.
I hope that everything is going well for all of you guys, and remember to watch your backs; the GC is everywhere.
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